Alive in Wonderland

Nine sports movies your kids may not have seen

We have a strict no PG-13 movies in our house prior to turing the big 1-3. (Read my column about that here.) Luckily there is no shortage of great movies that are appropriate for younger children. One genre we enjoy the most in our house is sports movies. These have a double dose of goodness because they are great movies and also inspire kids to be more active.

My daughter wanted to surf before seeing Soul Surfer, but after it she was obsessed.   Now she's in lessons.  In making this list two things came to mind, how many great sports movies there are for kids and how few of them had girls as the athlete. Out of nine, only two feature girls.

My son had zero interest in sports. None. Nada.  I tried and tried to get him to throw the ball around, kick the soccer ball or take swim lessons. You know what persuaded him?  Movies.  The Sandlot to be specific.

This is my list of great sports movies for kids--up to about 19-years-old or so.

1.) The Sandlot: One of my favorite movies. I couldn't wait until my kids were old enough to watch it. It's the story of new kid "Scotty Smalls" who doesn't know how to play baseball until he's introduced to the sandlot in his new hood and the eight kids who play there. It's a great movie for boys--lots of harmless and creative name calling, a treehouse,  baseball playing and of course, The Beast.

Be warned there are a few bad words, but nothing too shocking. Made in 1992 and set in 1962, this movie was ROTFL before ROTFL was invented. A must-see for all boys...and my daughter loves it, too.

 

 

 

2.) Miracle: The story the USA Olympic hockey teams unbelievable win against the soviets in the 1980 Olympics. Inspirational, truthful and one of the best lines in coaching history, "Great moments are born from great opportunity." I loved this movie and so will your kids.

 

 

 

3.) Kicking and Screaming: What do you get when you make Will Ferrell the coach of a youth soccer team--a pretty funny movie. Your kids will love how outrageous Ferrell gets with his team. There are some classic lines in this movie as well. The one delivered to Mike Ditka is quoted often in our house--"Bye-Bye juicebox!"

 

 

 

4.) The Might Ducks (series): My kids just watched the entire series of Mighty Ducks movies the last few weeks and like them all. I could hear them while I was in the other room cracking up and having a good time.  Definitely put all three on your summer movie-watching list. (Couple girls on the team, too!)

"Ducks fly together!" Ha, great speech by a coach...

 

 

 

5.) The Next Karate Kid: Not the best in the series, but my daughter liked this movie. It possibly made the list simply because it featured a female athlete. I probably would have put League of Their Own in here (I love that movie), but my daughter couldn't make it through 1/2 hour of it--too many adults and mature jokes.

 

 

 

6.) Breaking Away: This movie is a personal choice for me. My brother was enormously influenced by this film and still, to this day, rides his bike daily wearing a white tank and bicycle shorts. It's an older movie--made in 1979 and nominated for an Oscar that year. The movie is about nineteen-year-old who lives in Bloomington Indiana and is obsessed with cycling and all-things Italian. The relationship between his dad and him is classic. One of the best. Well-worth hunting down and watching with your older kids.

 

 

 

7.) Soul Surfer: Have you seen Soul Surfer yet? Bethany Hamilton is my daughter's hero. I was a little afraid that after we saw the movie, the shark scene would scare my daughter away from surfing, but it didn't. What is so unique about this movie is how honestly they portray Bethany's love of the sport of surfing.

 

 

 

If your daughter is interested in Bethany or surfing, in this video she tells her story in her own words. She's a brave and strong example for our daughters.

 

 

 

8.) Rudy: Fine. Maybe not for younger kids, but older kids will like the story of a young man struggling to reach his goal of making the Notre Dame football team. There are so many great scenes in there that will teach kids some fantastic lessons. This movie is most famous for making grown men cry like little babies--it's that good.

 

 

 

9.) Angels in the Outfield: Everything you want from a kids sports movie: a kid who makes a wish, Christopher Lloyd, a down-and-out sports team and lots of silliness. If you haven't watched  Angels in the Outfield with your kids, rent it this week, make some popcorn and pop it in. You'll all love it!

 

 

 

"The Care and Keeping of You" book is best yet for young girls

It's a fact--girls are starting to "develop" earlier. That's what we called it in the late '70s when my girlfriends and I were separated from the boys in our sixth grade class and shown an instructional film on menstruation. We were all given a packet of related goodies, like pads and tampons, and then sent back to our class doing our best to hide the blue packages from the boys.

 

 (This video is surprisingly informative.)

An article in the New York Times outlined a medical study on breast development in girls and pegged the age for a girl to show the first signs of puberty as early as 7 to 8 years old. It was a shocker, showing a big shift to the younger side of girlhood. Even though I read the article last August; I was still caught off guard to see its findings playing out in my  4th grade daughter and her friends' lives.

Honestly, the issue of puberty still escaped my attention. When your little girl is obsessed with puppies, kitties and horses, you're not thinking tampons, deodorants and bras. Luckily my mom, who surprisingly (read sarcasm) has been through this already, bought my daughter "The Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book For Girls" published by the folks at American Girl.  My daughter absolutely devoured the book and after she finished it (which only took one night behind the closed door in her bedroom), she asked me to sit down with her and read back parts where she had questions. We did.

This book covers it all; pimples, periods and parents. It's very graphic and detailed, but not overly dramatic or gratuitous. "The Care and Keeping of You" provides basic and practical information for girls on hygiene, healthy eating and even social issues that I hadn't thought about mentioning, like bulimia, along with good sound advice.  All of this without a whisper about sexuality, which is a subject I want to take the lead as far as teaching my daughter.  She's still far too young and as a testament to the way "The Care and Keeping of You" is written, the subject never came up.

It probably would be best to go through it yourself to see if it fits your style of parenting. It may be TMI for some, in that case, use it as a guideline for issues that might be coming up in your daughter's prepubescent head and approach the topics yourself.

From my very, very informal survey, some public schools do offer "Mom and Daughter Teas"  a function where the subject of puberty is served with tea and sandwiches, but it might be a little late (at the end of 5th grade) for some girls.  If you have a younger daughter (say under 6 years old) let this serve as your official heads up from me. Today you're braiding  your daughter's hair and watching countless episodes of Dora The Explorers, but someday, in the not-too-distance future, you'll be standing in the middle of Justice trying to help her decided between a two bras, the one with monkeys or the one with pandas.

Top 10 parenting movie scenes

I love to quote movie lines. This was a habit handed down from my dad and now I do it to my kids.  Growing up it wasn't uncommon for me and my brothers to quote movie line after movie line without ever speaking an original word to each other all day.

Watching movies has always been an important family pastime. So, I thought for this Friday Five I'd actually do Ten. Ten of my favorite parenting scenes from movies.

1.) Steel Magnolias:

This is one of the saddest, most heartfelt scenes I can think of related to parenting. Sally Fields in "Steel Magnolia" as she comes to grips with losing her daughter. I love how the sorrow is broken up by humor.

 

 

 

2.) Say Anything:

This is from my own personal YouTube clips channel. From "Say Anything" John Cusack explaining to his girlfriend's dad what he wants to do with his life. Classic. One of the most quotable dialogs ever.

 

 

 

3.) It's a Wonderful Life:

Just a classic. You've seen it, you know. When George rushes home to sees his family...*tear*

 

 

 

4.) Kramer vs. Kramer:

Reaching back to the '70s, if you've never seen this movie, it's a must. This scene in particular is an iconic parenting moment: The Ice Cream Scene.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSrI96jzgDo

5.) Mr. Mom:

Oh, Michael Keaton! One of my favorite comic actors. Mr. Mom is an '80s classic from start to finish, directed by Ron Howard. A must see. I was so happy someone had this up on YouTube, sorry about the ad that runs before it. Not only one of my favorite parenting scene, one of my all-time favorites movies. Keaton tries to talk his young son into giving up his blanket. "...the next thing you know, you're strung out on bed spreads" So funny.

 

 

 

6.) Whip It:

This movie about Roller Derby has so many touching parenting moments in it. There's a scene at the end, which I couldn't find, between the mother and daughter that's so real and moving I cried unabashedly when I saw it. Go watch this movie.

 

 

 

7.) Kicking & Screaming:

Will Ferrell at his very best. Part of the charm of this movie is Ferrell's character loses it and acts out towards kids--mostly other people's kids--in ways a lot of us parents can only fantasize about. Kind of a "Parents Gone Wild" movie. This is my favorite scene...

 

 

 

8.) Parenthood:

This is a littler known movie (that now has it's own tv show) also directed by Ron Howard. Lots of good stuff in this movie. Real parenting moments. The hard things. This too is from my personal collection of movie clips on YouTube. This scene plays out that moment when you, as a parent, realize your kid is just like you, and not in a good way. It also is powerful as the parents, Mary Steamvirgin and Steve Martin start to realize there is something wrong with their son.

 

 

 

9.) Terms of Endearment:

Okay, Mom saying goodbye to her sons right before she dies. This scene is a must watch.

 

 

 

10.) Life is Beautiful:

Lastly, one of the most powerful, yet soft and subtle, scenes about parenthood, ever. Life is Beautiful is about, among other things, a father's love for his son. In this scene, Roberto Benigni and his son are in a Nazi death camp. Benigini tries to protect his son from the horrors of their situation by pretending the whole experience is a game--specifically in this scene "translating" for a German soldier the "rules" of the game. *fantastic *brave* funny*heartbreaking*

 

 

 

Please feel free to leave your picks.

Abercrombie & Fitch sells 'push-up bras' made for eight-year-olds

One of America's largest retailers, Abercrombie & Fitch, has always lived on the seductive edge. Their titillating photos of tanned bare-chested hunks would cause even the most sexually sober person to stir...down there. And on the the merchandise side, tiny tanks and micro daisy dukes abound in their dark, moody, perfumed-soaked stores.  I'm cool with that.

But this spring A & F  introduced this item in their kid's spring line--hold on to your fleece hoodie--the "Ashley," a padded push-up bikini for girls as young as 8-years-old.  Now, those are three words that should never be associated with little girls: padded--unless we're talking knee pads; pushups--unless we're talking ice cream; and, bikini. Not to mention a push-up for tweens begs the question: "What does an eight-year-old have to 'push up?'"

I readily admit, I land way over on the modest side of the spectrum with my daughter, but a padded push-up bikini top for your fourth grader should bring on an instinctive gag reflex, even for the most liberal of parents. Abercrombie got this wrong and who knows, perhaps out of old-fashioned  thoughtlessness or apathy, they have ignited a firestorm of controversy with parents with the release of  the "Ashley."

This is not uncharted waters for Abercrombie, back in 2002 they found themselves in heap of  trouble with parents--and anyone with a smidgen of sense--when they sold and defended a line of thong panties that read "Wink Wink" and "Eye-Candy," again for little girls as young as 4-years-old.  Abercrombie's official--and baffling--stance on the tween wear was: "Any misrepresentation of that is purely in the eye of the beholder." Whaaaa...? Not exactly contrite.

I couldn't find any official comment on the padded bikini tops from the company, but I think it's interesting that yesterday the tops were listed as "Push-Up" bikini tops and now they're simply called "Stripped Triangle." It's my hunch this is the only "comment" we'll see from the retailer.

Here's where as parents you and I might differ.  I don't blame A & F, they are just a cog in the relentless wheel that pushes sexualization on our little girls at every turn.  Is the "Ashely" push-up bikini despicable?  Yes. Should we give the WTF-look to any parent who has a young daughter sporting a padded bikini?  Absolutely.  But in the end it's best to let it serve as a reminder to moms and dads we have to be vigilant to keep our girls young, innocent and wearing their Target one-pieces with hearts and rainbows as long as possible.

When we take on the responsibility ourselves, we take our daughters back.

Then they could sell stripper poles at Toys-R-Us, condoms at Justice and margaritas from the ice cream truck and it just won't matter, because our daughters will know that's not part of their world, not who they want to be.  Here's the deal, shaking our fist at Abercrombie really just gives them some added press and, I suspect, a good giggle about those prudish parents when they're in their boardroom.  Sure, boycott them.  Write a blog post about how wrong the "Ashley" is, but in the end, it's up to parents to keep our little girls...little girls.

Other thoughts on little girls

Surviving a Slumber Party.

Toto, I don't think we're in the toy aisle anymore.

OMGwad! I Tried. I Really Tried

 

 

Going to see the new Justin Bieber movie? Bring a tissue

I knew very little about the feather-haired heartthrob Justin Bieber before I saw his movie. My 9-year-old daughter, Emily, was a mild fan. Maybe she had two songs by him on her iTouch and the JB poster she got in a box of Valentines never made it to her wall. So, I was just as surprised as her whenI suggested we see the 16-year- old's new movie on our girls' night out.

I'd heard good things about it. The day before I ran into a mom from my kids' school who I knew had seen a sneak peek on Thursday night with her daughters and I asked her, "Well, how was The Bieb? Did your girls like it?" She smiled and said, "Angie cried through the whole thing." *Pfft* We both laughed at the idea of a 12-year-old girl crying during a Justin Bieber movie.

Cut to me. Next night. Half-hour into Justin Bieber's 3-D movie "Justin Bieber--Never Say Never" at the Irvine Spectrum as Emily turns to me and asked, not even attempting to hide her disdain, "Mom, are you crying?" I certainly was, and downright thankful for those dark 3-D glasses that hid (mostly) my tear from the throngs of screaming teenage girls in the theatre audience.  I wasn't "I love you Justin!!" crying (in my defense), but I'm telling you this movie is surprisingly touching, with lots of heartfelt stories and, well, basically a real tear-jerker.

 

 

 

As an adult, especially as a mom, I experienced the story of Justin Bieber in a different way than the masses of brace-faced, panting tweens who are interviewed throughout the entire flick. The movie begins with young Justin, baby Justin, as he's raised by his teenage, single mom with the help of her unabashedly adorable parents and the support of their local church.  When his mom comes on the screen the first thing I thought was how jaw droppingly young she is.  As she tells the story of their early life together--how she wanted to raise her son right--it's moving and feels sincere.  Wow. I mean she is young. I doubt you if you say you weren't digging in your purse for a tissue at that point.

The next thing that  struck me was how much talent is wrapped up in this squirrelly  sixteen-year-old.  He's playing drums, the guitar, the piano...and that voice. I know he gets the Tiger Beat brush off from a lot of people but he's no Shaun Cassidy, this kid's got it going on in the gifted department and it's played out through the whole movie.

Then there's the Rocky component; the underdog, the manager who believed in him, the seemly insurmountable dream, the characters who surround him.  This movie has all that too, except "Yo Adrian" is just replaced by a lot of hair flipping.

His manager tells his story as if he's still in some sort of daze, not quite believing himself what a success this kid has become.  Glassy eyed he talks about finding Justin on YouTube, flying him to Georgia "on my dime" and introducing him to Usher. It's all too much for even him to take in.  It was refreshing and inspiring to watch someone in his position talk about his success with such humble candor. This was more of a throat tightening moment, though, not a full on bawl, but if you're tittering on the edge of tears, this is surely enough to tip the scale.

Now, for the real crying.  There were loads of touching moments; yes, some just silly, like when they picked a girl out of the audience to be JB's "Lonely Girl" on stage.  Fine. I got all choked up. Her friends were crying. She was crying. I was crying. Emily was...rolling her eyes and scooting to the far side of her chair. But then the more serious moments that would breeze over the heads of the squealers and gigglers were there too. When Justin's grandfather talks about the day Justin and his mom leave for Georgia...seeing the gate close behind them at the airport....knowing it was the end of something and the beginning of something else...then grandpa gets chocked up at the thought of it...wait...I need a minute...

I'll admit shooting it in 3-D seemed like a bit of a stretch (given the extra cost), but it was worth it to watch all the young girls in the packed theatre stretch out their hand to touch Justin's when he sang, "Thought you'd always be mine."  Money well-spent I say. It was a well-crafted movie that will hold the test of time. Not like our teen idol movies. I mean, have you seen Purple Rain as an adult?  Enough to make doves cry, really. It's that bad.

This movie had heart and not just the heart that Justin sat it as it swirled above the audience and he sang "Baby."  I mean heart, like it is a real story about a real kid who made it and that made me, as a mom, hope he turns out okay. I'm routing for him.  At the end there's a montage of picture of Justin Bieber as a little boy as his grandfather talks about him. He say (paraphrasing here): "We just hope the values we taught him growing up--to be a man of character--will carry him through all this."

(Tear)

After it was all over Emily and I were ardent and eternal Justin Bieber fans. "That was awesome," Emily said as we ditched our glasses into the bin.  "It really was wasn't it?"  I ask.  In the bathroom all the girls who just saw the film were really  committed to making it a Bieber bender by immediately plugging into their MP3s and singing his songs.  We joined in as we did our business and walked out happy and truly glad we shelled out $29 to see "Never Say Never " instead of "Gnomeo and Juliet."

I recommend you go, take the kids, or, if you don't have kids, get a loaner kid and take them.  I know I should be more ashamed of being such a sucker for the whole whoopla of The Bieb, but I just have gotten to the point in my life where I just don't care--except it was monumentally embarrassing for Em.

When we got home Emily dug out her Justin Bieber poster and asked if I thought she should put it up in her room. "Yeah, sure, go ahead," I told her.  Her first teen idol poster in her room.  My little girls has a boy poster now hanging in her room...wait...I need a minute.

At what age should boys go into public bathrooms alone?

Did you see this story in the Orange County Register?  Sex Offender May Have Victimized More Children. This is the sort of thing that keeps me up at night.  This is the sort of thing that makes me second guess every little decision I make with my kids, especially when it comes to their safety. It doesn't ease my mind either to think this guy is out on bail!

A man molests a little boy in a bathroom at The Block in Orange.

I wouldn't be surprised if the mom was even standing just outside the door.  I can't even imagine how she must feel now (and kudos to her for reporting it to police).  Since I have a boy I've talked to a lot of moms about this issue: At what age should we let our young boys go into public restrooms alone?

If you have a boy who's 5 years old or up you know, you sometimes get those stares  from women when you bring them into the women's room.  Or you get a comment from someone that's of the "cut the apron strings already" vibe and sometimes it would just be more convenient to send him in on his own. My son's already begging me to go into the "boys room" because he's getting embarrassed. But, honestly, I'm just not willing to risk it with my six-year-old no matter the push back. He always goes with me into the women's room or with his dad into the men's--but until what age?

What age is it inappropriate to bring a boy into the women's room?  Does it depend on the circumstances or maturity of the boy?  Is there no magic number? Man, I really hate that we have to worry about these things, but we do. If nothing else, I just wanted to make you aware this happened in OC and to remind us all to be careful with our kids.

 

Put down the Purell and go see the movie 'Babies'

 

Babies are resilient.  Babies are tough. Babies have a wicked sense of humor. Babies can spend the first year of their life licking dirt, spending time unsupervised, and cuddling with cows and still enter into the toddler stage healthy and happy. 

These are all things I learned after watching the brilliant documentary "Babies."  

Every parent should take the time to go see this movie. It follows the first year of life of four babies living in Africa, Mongolia, Tokyo and San Francisco.  It wasn't only the dramatic differences in the way the babies were being raised that was fascinating--the African baby has his 'hair cut' with a machete, the Mongolian baby taken home from the hospital on the back of a motorcycle--it was also the underlaying truth that babies are babies, no matter where they hang their...well, I would say diaper, but only two of the four ever wears one.

Take a look at this video about the movie with an interview with its French makers-- Thomas Balmes, Director and Alain Chabat, Producer. (Unrelated: Is there anything cuter than a French man saying the word "babies?") 

Click here.

 I think they hit on it in their interview, as long as there is love, the babies were happy and healthy.  So, put down the Purell and go give your baby a rock to play with, really, it's fine.  

 

What are Miley Cyrus' parents thinking?

Where to start? If you haven't seen Miley Cyrus' new video, get an eye-full here. Keep in mind Miley is 17 years old and if you have a little girl yourself,  she most likely has at least one Miley Cyrus laden t-shirt, or thermos, or black lace bustier...well, I'm getting ahead of myself.

   

Okay, so let's just skip that part where it's kind of a ridiculous video. Most of us lived through the '80s and have loved many-a campy, overly conceptualized music video. Let's even skip over the nagging feeling that every female recording "artist" seems to, at some point, end up rolling on the ground with her fingers in her mouth. It's almost a cliche at this point. 

Fine. I won't even mention all that. 

 What went through my mind the minute I saw this was, "What are her parents thinking?" How can a father of a teenage girl green light this nonsense? Isn't this his precious daughter? We will just have to wait for that episode of Celebrity Rehab to air in five years to find out from Miley herself, I guess.  

Watching this I just felt incredibly sad for her. For all girls who don't have parents who would fight like hell to never let their teenager daughter's honor and modesty get trampled by 50 backup dancers and a pair of black thigh-high boots. 

 Yeah, I said it--modesty. 

My daughter, who's almost nine-years-old, and I watched the video together. She was perplexed. She kept saying, "That's not Miley." Then at the end she was quiet and finally it came out. The prefect response: "I can't believe I named a WebKinz after her." 

Maybe we can get her name legally changed.

*** 

 I can get like this sometimes. 

Other rants:

"It's beginning to look a lot like... a kegger."

"Things that make you go ewww!"

Guy Fieri's National "Cook With Your Kids Day"

This Saturday is National "Cook with your Kids Day."  The passionate and hyper force behind this three-year old measure is celebrity chef--Guy Fieri.  

I had a chance to ask Guy about the benefits of families cooking together and why he thinks it's an important skill for kids.  In the video he also tells a great story about the first steak he cooked for his dad. I dare you not to be pumped after you watch it:

If you want to know more about National Cook With Your Kids Day or find out what's on the menu for my family on Saturday, click over to my blog at OC Family.  

Keeping it in Perspective

 

Here's my post featured in this month's issue of OC Family Magazine:

 

 

There are a few sure signs that you have entered the land of grown-ups-- paying taxes; treating your parents' to an expensive, swanky dinner; or even listening to Neil Diamond without shame. But, you know what really makes you feel like you're firmly an adult? Speaking to your kid's class about what you do for a living. So when my daughter's third grade teacher asked me to talk to her class about being a professional writer and blogger, let's just say I felt my age--in a good way.

It was 10:00 am on a Wednesday morning. I stood in front of about 50 eight- and nine-year olds in a darkened room with my blog "Alive in Wonderland" projected behind me. I kicked off the talk with one word: perspective.

 "Who knows what the word 'perspective' means?" I asked, and a smattering of hands went up. (Point to the first kid.) "Um....," no answer. (All other kids put their hands down.) "Perspective is the way you see something," I tell them. "No one else in the world has your same perspective. It's like your own creative fingerprint, and that is what you should focus on in your blog."

 I could tell by their bewildered faces they needed an example. "Let's say, Sam and Matthew—you both play a game of baseball and Sam, you lose, and Matthew, you win." At this, Sam immediately gives me the never-gonna-happen look. "Sam, your perspective when you write about the game would be different than Matthew's, right?" He nods his head yes and his Yankee's cap goes up and down. "That's your perspective. It's how you saw things go down in the game."

 Think of perspective as your secret super power, I tell them. "Showing your perspective is a powerful tool in photography, videos, writing, and even in your daily life." I drive the point home by showing them my other blog, "Orange County Daily Photo," which harnesses the talents of seven photographers all sharing their perspective of our great county. 

I pull up a photo of a roller coaster at Knott's Berry Farm. "Here is this photographer's perspective of a roller coaster--bet you've never seen it like this before," they all laugh, nod their heads and I'm pretty sure I hear a couple of them say "awesome!" 

It's starting to sink in. Perspective is a powerful tool in parenting as well. Sometimes I get wrapped up in the day-to-day fracas of being a mom--all the little battles lost or won. The endless details and logistics of running my kids' lives haze the goal and I can lose perspective of my main job as a parent: to raise responsible adults who contribute to society in a positive way.

 But, it's hard to remember that when I'm locked in a heated argument with my son about the importance of wearing socks or frantically searching Michael's for a bag of green marbles or scraping dried macaroni and cheese off the kitchen chairs. All of my efforts, big and small, are all going toward the larger goal, and keeping it all in perspective is a daily endeavor.

 After I wrapped up my talk and each kid assured me they wanted to start their own blog (which I strongly urge every kid over the age of seven to do), and as I was saying goodbye one of the boys said to my daughter, "Emily, you have the coolest mom EVER!" My daughter rolled her eyes and turned a nice shade of pink. "Carter," I said to him, "I like your perspective."

Photo by Gregg Gallagher

**** 

Some of my past columns, just in case you got some time to kill:

Lessons in parenting: lying to your kids

A curious pear

Girls in glasses

 

Snapped; The Mommy Edition

 

Scene: Dive bar just outside Orange County. It was a hot day.  Too hot to be inside, still I walked into the dark barroom quickly and with great expectations.  The sun filtered in through the dirt and bumper stickers on the window and the light illuminated all the dust particles in the dead bar air.  I was overcome by the smell mixed equally of stale cigarettes, beer sweat and tinkle.  

I let my eyes adjust and scanned the room looking eagerly for the face for someone I've never seen before. Someone I knew only as 'Gene.'  As soon as I laid my eyes on the slumped, Micky Rouke circa 9 1/2 weeks throwback man leaning motionless against the bar, I knew he was the one I was there to see.  

I sidled up to the seat next to him, and after taking a Wet Wipe to the ripped red vinyl cushion, I sat down and order a wine cooler.  The bartender looked at me with a perplexed face and then I clarified, "Oh, sorry, a STRAWBERRY / LIME wine cooler." He then walked away shaking his head and went through the curtains into the back room, never to be seen again.

"You Gene?" I asked as I checked my iPhone for a text from my girlfriend confirming she picked up my kids.  "Yeah, you Lizzy?"  he said into his drink.   (Good, she picked them up on time. What? "No, no Icee!" I furiously typed, "Just bring them to your house like I said." Sheesh!) "Yes, I'm Suz....LIZZY, I'm Lizzy," I confirmed, nodding like a bobblehead with a big, geeky smile.  

"So, who do you want me to whack?" he said, again into his drink.  

"What? You need to sit up and look at me when you talk. No one is going to respect you if you mumble," I corrected him.  

He did exactly what I said and then he asked again, "You know, who do you want to dispose of?"  

"Well," I said, looking around for the bartender, "It's not exactly a 'Who' as it is a 'What.'"   

**Journey's "Open Arms" comes on the juke box and for a minute were both lost in the sadness and hope of it.  

"Listen Lady, I don't have time for your little word games," Gene was getting agitated with me.  

**Cheerful Shrug** 

"Like I said, It's not a 'Who' I want rid of... I will pay you handsomely to make my...my laundry disappear. I want it gone. I don't ever want to see it again and I don't care how you do it. Just make it clean and make sure it never comes back," I blurted out in double-time. It felt so good to finally come out and say it out loud.

Then Gene did that little laugh men do when they think you're crazy, when they want to discount a perfectly reasonable request.  My brothers did that to me growing up...and my husband did it last week when I said I thought  he needed to use conditioner on his hair, **that laugh** "Conditioner, yeah, okay..."

I snapped and in a quiet scream, through my perfectly glossed motionless lips I tell him, "Listen Chuckles, first of all women hate it when guys do that laugh and I can see by the absences of a wedding ring you have had no luck in that arena so cut out the condescending attitude. Second of all, I'm willing to pay handsomely with the money I earned from  selling knitted latte cozies on Etsy. So that's it! I'm taking a hit out on my laundry." 

I was really on a roll now...

"Obviously," I continued, " You don't know what it's like to hate something so much that you're willing to risk it all--the house, the Escalade, the double oven and the holiday newsletter---in order to see it killed."

No stopping me now...

"Obviously, from the smell of you, you haven't done laundry in a very long time... Obviously, you don't know what it's like to finish a task only to see it waiting for you the next day, double the size and the next and the next...Like some crazed, evil monster sent to the earth only to mock and torture you. Well, that is what I want to die, so if you aren't man enough for the task just say the word and I'll take my cash somewhere else."

At this point I realize I'm practically sitting on poor Chuckles's lap. He had, not so much a scared look on his face, but more a look that comes from nagging someone into obedience.  I was in my comfort zone. I backed off, sat back down and dug through my purse for the cash.  

"Here," I said as I threw it down in front of him. "There's an extra grand in it for you if you take care of 'making dinner,' too."   I then turned on my sensible heels and marched out to my Escalade. I then started the long drive back to Orange County--smiling the whole way.

******

This was written for my blog over at OC Family, head over there for comments and assorted silliness. "My blog at OC Family

"Mini-Weapons of Mass Destruction" at must for boys

When I bought my six-year-old, Ben, the book, "Mini Weapons of Mass Destruction" it was one of those moments when you think, "This is either one of the stupidest things I've done as a mom, or one of best.   *Spoiler Alert*  It was one of the best.

As I whipped out my wallet at B & N I saw myself being interviewed on CNN with the lower third reading "Mother of the Accused," crying saying something about how I thought the book would be fun for a little boy and his dad.

I quickly pushed the thought away, handed the book to my son and strike me  in the eye with a spitball if he hasn't let it leave his side since.

The idea behind the book is it teaches eager boys (both child or grown up) how to make small weapons out of everyday items--hangers, pencils, paper clips, plastic spoons.  It's like Macgyver's handbook for young men.

Ben and his dad have built a Siege Catapult (see a video on how-to) out of pencils, a bow and arrow out of a pen and rubber bands and, Ben's favorite, the slingshot. He takes that baby everywhere.

Part of the fun with the slingshot is gathering the objects to...sling.  Mounds of rocks, bottle caps, even thumb tacks (I don't think so Mister) are neatly organized on his dresser, waiting for the next adventure.

The only thing that's pained me about the book is looking at the toys that cost me more than $11.53 that have now been tossed aside.  It does require some help from the dads if your son is little. The added little jewel of this experience is Ben's dad is a former U. S. Green Beret whose specialty was weapons. Let's just say Larry has added a little "extra something" to each weapon.

I loved the book so much I bought it for my neighbor who is in eighth grade and he quickly got to the work of building his first weapon with his assistant Ben.  That Nerf-loving, BMX-riding kid spent the afternoon with a book building his own toys. It was awesome.

Don't let the title scare you off--I'm eyeing you hover mothers out there--it's a great book for boys.  It strikes a chord in boys that I rarely see in this age of video games and Zach Efron hair.  It's all about being a boy. YAY!

Other stories I've written about raising boys:

Is there anything cooler than a five year old boy?

The stories of So-So, Ben's invisible (NOT IMAGINARY)  friend

 

 

A Comic Strip: The Tooth Fairy

 

 

   

  

     

   

  

  *******

For more about my mommy life head over to OC Family and read my blog there.  

Today: Getting Schooled by Homework.

Meh...Otter, Gopher, Beaver...all my knowledge of animal life comes from cartoons. 

 

Be like me. Wait! Scratch that.

 

This is a photo of my daughter and me.  We both love our Converse. 

I wrote a story to go along with  the script over on my blog at  OC Family. 

 

Best Shot Monday: Tiny Moments

The very wonderful Tracey Clark asks us for our Best Shot Monday this week,"What tiny moments make up our lives?" For me, the little moments with my kids are the most precious. The little looks.  The little giggles. The little moments of glory. 

I love this photo of Ben...er, um, I mean Batman. Look at those eyelashes! I know, it's hard to act tough when you have hordes of women swooning and envious of your lashes, but he tries.  

 

 

****

 

 

On another note about boys,  I don't care if the book says Max came home because he was hungry, I know he really comes home because he misses his mom.  But, I'm letting Max stick to his story.  I get it.  It's important to be tough.

 

****

Today I'm listening to The Smiths  "There is a light that never goes out." 

 

Dear Baby Einstein: Keep the cash!

“Hi, I’m Julie Clark, founder of The Baby Einstein Company…” 

More women have gotten naked to the sound of Julie’s voice than to the sound of Barry White, Marvin Gaye and Steve Perry’s voice combined. Why? That's how every Baby Einstein video begins and it has been the cue for a lot of moms that it's now time to take a shower. I would pop in Baby Mozart or Baby Beethoven just to get a break from my little bundle of joy and get squeaky clean, not because I really believed my kid would grow up to be genius because she watched it. 

Last week Disney, who bought the Baby Einstein brand from Julie Clark in 2001, is offering a refund to consumers of the video series because—surprise—it won’t make your baby smarter. The FTC says this in their statement, “There’s no credible evidence that screen media can educate infants.” 

Yeah, we kinda knew that already FTC, but have you ever gone four weeks without shaving your legs or eight hours without talking to another adult? I thought not…I liked Baby Einstein and used it strictly for the thrill of being clean. It was a benefit to me to not look like a swamp monster when my husband came home from work. That was the value. Give us moms a little credit here FTC, “educating infants” wasn’t the goal here, Sillies.  

I suppose the alternative to Baby Einstein would have been letting my baby stare out the window for 20 minutes or play with my hair dryer and bobby pins until I was done freshening up, but, to be honest, I kinda liked those little puppets and the music of Baby Einstein served as the soundtrack to my little respite from momminess. 

It’s not like I plopped my baby in front of the tube for hours on end (well, there was that one day…) and thought I was doing her a solid by giving her a jump start on her education: Moving her well ahead of her diaper-clad friends. I always knew it was just a distraction, a little amusement for her while mommy "got ready."

Compared to the other “screen media” like Barney and The Wiggles, Baby Einstein was bearable to watch and the music was…well, classical. The only thing that annoyed me about the video series was the fact that I didn’t think of it myself, market it, and sell it to Disney for millions. 

So, you might have clued in, I won’t be cashing in on Disney’s offer to refund my money. In fact, I want to give a BIG shout out to Disney and especially Julie Clark for keeping me clean and (occasionally) coifed during the baby years—Thanks! Oh, and Julie, if you ever put out your own CD, please do a duet with Steve Perry, women around the nation will go wild for it! 

****

This was written for my blog at OC Family. Head on over there to see what you're missing.

I'm up and writing at OC Family

 

I've got my first couple of posts up and running at OC Family. My column is also out in the print issue. If you can't get your hands on an OC Family Magazine, here it is: "You're Soooo Orange County."

You can click over and read my "Post Halloween Ritual" on my blog there as well. If you're still grousing about a bad deal you got from a Nov 1st candy trade with an older sibling years ago, you'll be happy to know, you're not the only one.  Go read...

 

Hello OC Family

(Photos by the lovely Dana Sipper)

So, what am I going to do now?  

I've accepted a position at Churm Media as  lead blogger for OC Family.  That means four times a week you can find me there talking about mom stuff, non-mom stuff, and of course, the occasional post about roller skating, Lip Smackers, and Ducks hockey.   Irresistible, no? 

The very idea of representing O.C. Moms at OC Family made me swoon, but the best part about the job was choosing 14 other O.C. Mom Bloggers to join me there on the web site.  The thought of all of us there ranting, opinionizing (it's not a word, don't bother looking it up), and giving our suggestions for the best things to do in O.C. makes my toes tingle (but that might just be the mini-margarita kicking in). 

Go ahead and bookmark ocfamily.com now, I'll wait.............or become a friend on Facebook....... and look for all of us to go live there on Nov. 1st.  Also, keep an eye out for my column, Alive in Wonderland, in the November issue.   I just turned it in today and if you think I didn't mention OC Family's Mom Bloggers' ambitions of World Domination, you're sadly mistaken.  Don't we look fierce? 

Photos by the lovely Dana Sipper. 

Emily's Locks of Love challenge

It was a day almost a year in the making--the day my eight-year-old daughter, Emily, was going to get her hair chopped off for Locks of Love. She orginally got the idea when she saw George Parros, of the Anaheim Ducks, cut off his long black hair for charity. Though she wanted to do it with him this winter (read that story here), the morning drama and the heat of the season got to be too much for her. She got it cut off and donated her hair this summer to Locks of Love.

I think it was harder on me than her. I was surprised I was so nervous about it. As we drove to the "salon" I felt nostalgic looking at her long locks and worried a little about what lay ahead. I remember too clearly the hair fiascos in my own past--frizzy perms,misguided asymmetrical bobs, and hair made orange by Sun-in. I worried for about half the drive, then I started to think about the moms whose daughters have cancer. How their worries and fears leap far past my frivolous concerns. And once again, I was surprised by my own pettiness. (When does that stop happening?) I snapped out of it and pulled out my camera.

Emily was unwavering and chatty through the entire thing. She proudly held up her ponytail to the camera and eagerly shoved it into the baggy. I have to admit, that ponytail was a little creepy, like carrying one of her limbs around in a ziplock. You don't realize how much your hair is a part of you until you see it severed and lonely through plastic. I guess that's all the more reason to support Locks of Love. Kids with cancer have already lost so much, this was a minor sacrifice in comparison.

Now Emily is asking all her friends to join her to grow their hair out for next year. She already has two friends on board and is hoping that this post will get more friends to participate. Email me at [email protected] if your daughter is inspired.  Maybe we can do a Locks of Love party when it's time to get it lopped off...

We just meant to scare them a little, not scar them for life

Art work available on Etsy.

Chalk this one up to "one of those things you can laugh about with your kids later." Like WAAAY later. My husband, Larry, and I were just thinking of a creative way to get our kids to brush their teeth for two minutes. We had tried it all; toothbrushes that play "High School Musical" songs, cute little timers, threats, and, the old standard, blatant bribes. 

Then we thought, "What about scaring the living daylights out of them?" Kidding. We didn't plan on doing that, but that's what happened. One night last week after the usual hassle / battle at the basin, Larry decided to show the kids what will happen if they don't brush their teeth twice a day for two minutes -- implementing the scare 'em straight method. Where did he go for this kind of propaganda? Why YouTube, of course. 

He found this lovely video of the foulest teeth you'll ever see, ever. So we plopped them down in front of my computer and let them watch this video (right before bed, mind you). I am warning you, this is D.isgusting with a capital "D."

 Watch it at your own risk. 

I know! It's like the dental version of a Quentin Tarantino movie. Gross, right? Yea, our kids thought so too. Mission accomplished. They scurried to the bathroom practically tripping over each other to get to their toothbrushes. But when we went to put them to bed, Emily, our eight-year-old, was crying, obviously traumatized by the whole thing.  

We both took turns sitting up and talking with her until she fell asleep. Larry and I both kept shooting each other the "Oops" look as we passed each other in the hallway, switching shifts. The next morning Emily asked that we never speak of "that video" again. Done. It's in the vault...but, she has brushed her teeth for two minutes ever since.

❄❄❄❄❄❄

This is the video I remember from the '70s Saturday morning cartoon era.

Time for Timer

   

Totally agree. This would have have been a far better choice.

✺✺✺✺✺

This was something I wrote for MomCrush, but never posted here.  I'm home with a sick kid today, so thought it would be a good day for repost.  But, just as a follow-up, Emily saw I was coping this post and said, "Mommy! You promised! Never again!"