Alive in Wonderland

It's different for girls...

Isn't it the truth? 

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Ingrid Michaelson "The Way I am."

The (more) Real(istic) Housewives of Orange County

I'm not a fan of the show The Real Housewives of Orange County which is in its fourth season on Bravo. Now, being a Real Housewife of Orange County you would think I would be eagerly watching every week to see what "we" are up to, but I can't stomach their horrific advice they give their kids, their inane banter, and heel heels heels...all those high heels.

It's not that I think they misrepresent Orange County Housewives. I know plenty of gals just like them.

My girlfriends and I are a different breed of Orange County Housewife; sometimes unkempt and unpowdered, with younger kids and nicer husbands.

Here are some scenes and excerpts from OUR "Housewives (HW) of Orange County":

--HW hastily throws Michael's receipt out the window of speeding SUV before her husband finds out she spent $75 on ribbon.

--HW talking crossly to fellow HW about where to take the kids for the day, "If we go to Fashion Island, there is the carousal, the koi pond, the train and we can eat at Red Robin for lunch." Other HW shoots back, "Yes, but if we go to The Spectrum, there is the ferris wheel, the carousel, the train and we can eat lunch at Red Robin." This is what we call an "OC Housewife Standoff." (It really makes absolutely no difference who wins.)

--HW scolding herself in her mind as she is stuck in traffic, "I knew I shouldn't have taken the 55, now I'll never make "pick up."

--HW thinks to herself, "If the cashier at Trader Joe's calls me Ma'am one more time, I'm going to key his Ford Bronco."

--HW frantically talking to her husband as he speeds home on a Friday night, "Hurry, if we don't get to Wasa by 6:00, we're screwed."

--HW shrikes in horror upon hearing the tuition of "Lu" High.

--HW wakes in a fit of panic and screams as she realizes, "Oh no, our Disneyland Deluxe Annual Passports expired yesterday!"

--HW overheard complaining to fellow HW in school parking lot, "If I have to tell my husband one more time that going to the dentist is not "me time," I am going to throw him in our new Pebble Tec pool with cascading waterfall."

--One HW asks another HW over a Cafe Vanilla at The Bean, "Exactly WHERE is Cota de Casa?"

(Me, Jill, Jana, Vicki and Ericka...no wait, that's not right...)

(Right, good, here we are, Vicki, me, Jill, Jana and Ericka at the The ArtBar ...much better.)

This is a re-post of something I wrote last year. I'm on a trip up the coast of California. Talk to you on Monday, Suz

Handbags, Totes, and Clutches 101

I thought I would take some time and have a little talk with those two or three male readers I have. I'm going to attempt to make this as clear and precise as possible.

This is a purse (or handbag)

This is a tote

This is a Clutch

The purse or handbag, tote and clutch. They are three totally different things. To say something like, "Look at all the purses you have," while motioning furiously at handbags, totes and clutches is a fashion fallacy. Each has a very specific use and function.

Don't just take my word for it. I have hard evidence that supports this fact. The following shots are from the "Blue Fly" and "Nordstrom's" websites.

Nordstrom! You can't argue with Nordstrom. They have eight selections, but I didn't want to overwhelm you with talk of hobos and messenger bags on the first lesson.

So, stay with me here: it's purses or handbags, totes and clutches.

I'm glad we had this little talk. I feel better now.

(Side note: taking removable straps off a handbag does not make it a clutch. Nice try Larry.)

For Marcy's G.I.R.L. Party. Go to her blog and read how other bloggers are glamours in real life.

The downside of having your husband read your blog

Yesterday, I brought a new purse (having a little to do with this). I fessed-up straight away to Larry about it. "Look at my purse...I got it on sale at Marshall's," he looked unmoved by my thriftiness. I then swore up and down that I would not buy another "purse" for an entire year.

He then said, "Does that include Totes, Clutches and Handbags?" Drat! The downside of having a husband who reads your blog... He obviously took meticulous notes on this, Handbags, Totes and Clutches 101: A lesson for my male readers.

I THINK I love you

I bought this purse for our Caribbean cruise and I can't decide whether I love it or hate it. My fear is it's a bit too 80's.

Well? Surf and sand or Duran Duran?

"I think I love you" The Partridge Family

I'm Sure I Don't Know What The NYTs Is Talking About

I found this in the New York Times' Humor Section. I am sure I don't know what they are talking about.
I mean, just yesterday, while I was going to order my ham for Christmas at Pacific Ranch, which has the best wine selection in Orange County, ask for Phil, he really knows what he is talking about, and the fruits there are fantastic. Have you tried a Grapple? It is an apple and a grape mixed....

It Sounds So Simple

Today I attempted the impossible. What did I endeavor to do? Something that sounds so simple, so carefree, you would think anyone could achieve it. But, it eludes even the most stylish and clever women--I tried to recreate the hairstyle I had when I walked out of the salon two days ago.

I know you are thinking, "All girls know you can NEVER reproduce the hair style you get in the salon. No matter how easy your stylists says it is going to be."

Call me naive, but I washed my hair, plugged in my blow-dryer and straightening iron and got to it. I had studied Diane (my hairstylist and friend of 20 years) as she coiffured my hair with the dryer. "See how straight it is getting," she taunted. "Look I don't even need to use the iron," she mocked.

I fired up my dryer. Armed with her advise, "It has to get bigger first, then get flat," I pulled and swiped until my head was hot and red. Uhmph! "I look like Orphan Annie," I think after my hair is dry as a bone.

Never one to let the health of my follicles stop me from achieving the style I desire, I pull out the straightening iron. I straighten and straighten, until I can’t lift my arm any longer.

I lay down my iron; take a step back, look at myself in the mirror and think, "Product! I need more product."

All this nonsense goes on for an hour--an hour! Did I achieve the same look?-- No. Am I surprised?--No. Did I still look pretty? I'm not going to answer that question.

"Fun Money" and other concepts lost on my Husband

Concepts Lost On My Husband:

Fun Money
The concept: money that was not expected can be splurged without guilt or responsibility.
His take: Money is money.

Accessories for dogs
The concept: dogs have the need and right to be accessorized with diamonds, sweaters and $65 leashes.
His take: It's a Friggin' dog.

The Rule of Calorie Transference
The concept: If I don't purchase french fries with my meal and eat them off his plate, they are calorie-free.
His take: Get your own.

Decorative Pillows
The concept: They pull the room together.
His Take: Worthless, time-consuming, fluff.

Laura Ashley Nightgowns
The concept: You think you look like Elizabeth Bennet.
His take: He thinks you look like Elizabeth Bennet.

Extreme Virtual Shopping

I don't know how this sport started with me, but I am pretty sure it won't ever catch on at ESPN. I call it Extreme Virtual Shopping. I go online to one of my favorite stores, like Boden and throw everything I want unflinchingly into my shopping cart. The totals can reach astronomical amounts.

This is where it get pretty knarly, I go through all the steps; order summary, shipping address, form of payment, then, at the last possible minute, I double click the heck out of there.

I have no idea why I do this. I think I need to go talk to somebody.

Friday Five: Five Uses for Those Annoying Magazine Inserts

Five uses for those annoying magazine inserts that, no matter how thoroughly you think you have removed them, always seem to fall into your bath while reading.

-Use as coasters for guests you have absolutely no interest in impressing

-Picking up dead flies in the window sill

-Gather up hundreds (not hard to do) and send them to the Editor of your favorite magazine in protest, hoping they will send you free product as a good will gesture
(will not work if your favorite magazine is Foreign Affairs or the like. Sorry Larry)

-To write tardy notes on when your daughter is late for school

-Wet, pound into mush, mold into a pot shape, decoupage and plant your favorite perennial inside
(Martha Steward Living inserts only)

Has The Empire Waist Dress Made Us Forget Basic Social Etiquette?

I am going to review a piece of social etiquette that I would have thought everyone had mastered by now. Sadly, to my utter horror, certain people need a refresher course. It seems the empire waist dress is causing some confusion in this area.

Under no circumstances should you ever ask me, or any other female, if she is pregnant.

Unless I say something like "Hi, I'm pregnant" or I am being wheeled into the delivery room, huffing and puffing, with everyone scurrying around and screaming "The baby is coming!" then, and only then, is it okay to say, "My, are you pregnant?"

It is not okay, just as a for instance, while attending a party to say to a casual acquaintance (me), "Oh Suz, are you pregnant?"

Of course, I respond with a firm, "No," expecting you to fall to your knees in total humiliation pleading for my forgiveness.

But, instead of doing that, don't tilt your head and pout your lip and say, "Shut up, you are too."

And for heaven's sake, when I say, "Really, I'm not. You're hurting my feelings." Don't look at me skeptically, with hands on hips as if to say, "Oh you, yes you are."

If that happens I will be forced to show you that the label on my dress says "J.Crew" not "Pea in the Pod."

In the name in all that is good, don't then ask me if I just had a baby.

If this transpires I will be left with no other option then to stomp away, get a drink, and proceed to tell every other woman at the party what you had said to me. All of them gasping the same response, "Noooo, which one is she?"

Finally, I have no choice but to write about it here. But of course, I won't use your name. (But it is the name of Buddy Holly song and it rhymes with sauna).

Now, let's all say it together, "Under no circumstances should I EVER ask a female if she is pregnant. . (Make mental note to yourself, especially me or anyone who has a blog.)

New Rule...

This morning when I walked into my closet I wondered to myself, who bought these clothes? It certainly wasn't me. I don't want to wear any of them.
This long jean skirt was obviously purchased by a sixty-five year old women. (Does that say,"LL Bean?") And isn't this the shirt I used to wear when I had to "dress-out" for P.E. in eighth grade? XXS, is this a joke or something?
New Rule: From now on, I need to approve all purchases I make for myself.

Anthropologie + Me = TLA

What is it about Anthropologie that makes me so giddy? I am just an Anthropologie kinda' girl.

Hummm, Anthropologie kinda' girls. These are the girls that when you say "I love your shoes," they don't just say "thanks." They launch into a story that will include at least one, if not all, of these elements: where and/or when they got them, how much they paid for them (only if they were on sale), how they rationalized the purchase (need new shoes for back to school night), and how they snuck it by their husband's keen nose for unapproved purchases.

For instance, on Friday I saw a mom (Donna) at my kids' school that I knew only casually. I said, "I like your purse." She smiled and quickly informed, "Got it at Urban Outfitters." I replied, "Ah, Urban Outfitters...Anthropologie's cheap cousin." Now, when I say her eyes lit up when I mentioned Anthropologie, I mean it was like the night skies over Disneyland at 9:30 (firework time for those non-Orange Countyians).

This is how we Anthropologie kinda' girls identify our own. I could tell right away she was one of us--and we were destined to be friends forever. Our love for all things Anthropologie has already laid out future subjects of conversation, fashion trends we could despise together and what objects, bought there, would be mutually cherished and celebrated.

She had to run, and I had to get to the Irvine Spectrum to take these pictures of the beautiful windows at Anthropologie. We'll pick up our conversation again, oh yes, we will talk again....

This is my only purchase for the day. ($12)

Actual Email Sent By Actual Girls (with too much time on their hands)

Movie trailer voice man:
"It started out innocently enough, just a simple girl looking for a simple hair cut, what comes next is a dizzying string of senseless emails that pulled them away from the people they loved and the work they tried to avoid"

From: Suz
To: Vicki
Subject: Ideas for haircut

Hi,
If you have time can you send me some ideas for my shorter hair cut. I can't find anything particular
that I want. I want it short in the back but I don't want it to be short in the front. That is about it for ideas.
I always wear my hair in a pony. It would take me AT LEAST an hour a day to make my hair look "non frizzy" I love my hair, but I don't even devote that much time to my husband. let alone a beauty regime.

Love your blog....

From: Vicki
To: Suz
Subject: hair

Hey Suz
I think something like these. You have think, wavy hair, just thin it out, lots of layers and let the waves do what they want.

Something easy where you can wash it and put some product on it and go, let it either air dry or just lightly dry it.

I think that Meg Ryan has really wonderful hair and I think yours has curl / waves like hers. Any of the following would look great on you.

If you don't like these tell me so I can find some others.

From: Suzanne
To: Vicki
Subject: Re: hair

K- Your last email was in my junk mail.......now Yahoo! is
making judgment calls on my friends, great.
I like the last one.

From: Vicki
To:Suzanne
Subject: RE: hair

Tell Yahoo! I am not JUNK!
But I think that the last one is too straight without a lot of work?
It is a very cute cut. What happens if you put product in your hair and let it air dry?

From: Suz
To: Vicki
Subject: RE: Hair

Think Gilda Radner, 1979.

From: Vicki
To: Suz
Subject: RE: Hair
No it's not that big and frizzy -
You just need the right products and you'll look just like Meg Ryan.

From: Suzanne
To: Vicki
Subject: RE: Hair
That is the EVIL LIE that has filled my bathroom drawers with an endless supply of products and emptied my wallet of much needed cash.

Listen sister, you can come over and look at ALL of my products. I could have bought a horse with the money I have spent on flattening, defrizzing and calming hair products. My hair can't read labels and therfore, doesn't know it is suppose to be sleek, shinny and flat. It just does what is does best, be a frustrating time suck.

All you good hair people are the same, "air dry"... please!!!!!!!

From: Vicki
To: Suz
Subject: RE: Hair

I don't want it to be sleek or flat.
It should be crazy, wild and sexy just like you.

From: Suz
To: Vicki
Subject: RE Hair

While this is so true, I forgot one of the most important aspect of my hair problems, I hate to have
my hair touching my face. I really really hate it.

It gives me the hebby jeebies......wild would touch....

To: Suz
From: Vicki
Subject: RE: Hair

Geez - just get a buzz cut and be done with it.

The resulting hair cut...