Alive in Wonderland

The girl can't help herself

I just can't help myself.

I'm a smart a** of the worst kind, the kind that doesn't care if there's anyone there to laugh but me. I amuse myself and now that I have a blog it encourages me to act out even more.

I was at an appointment for Ben yesterday. As we waited in the teal green and pink waiting room I noticed (and who couldn't notice) the massive clock on the wall behind the check-in nurse. I mean this thing was beyond Pottery Barn big clock. It was ginormous, but stylish in a Tuscan kind of way.
It was almost spiteful in its bigness. Like the person who bought it was thinking, "Let's see if 3,000 people a day ask me what time it is now!" As they try to cram it in their hatchback they mumble, "Someone would have to be a complete idiot to ask me with this clock behind me."

Back in the waiting room I just couldn't help myself. The scene played out in my head a few times. I felt peaked and clammy from trying not to do it. "Fine!" I tell myself.

I approached the counter, "Excuse me, can you please tell me what time it is?" I asked the scribbling nurse. She didn't look up to see I was smiling to indicate I was only joking. She just pointed her ball point at the Big Ben clock.

"Just kidding," I said and went to take my seat. "Marcy will think it's funny," I tell myself as I go back to reading a three month old People.

Hypochondriacs' Twitter chain

***Hint, must read from bottom up--just like catching up on Twitter***

fatalthinker@drwonttakemycalls: OMG! I hear that!! but only slightly...have something terribly wrong with right ear. about 1 minute ago from web

drwonttakemycall: Should have gone to nursing school, to be surrounded by babes who can diagnose, surely worth risk of poking self with contaminated needle. about 2 minutes ago from web

fatalthinker: Grey's Anatamoy on later *) about 30 minutes ago from web

cantbreathe: Grey's Anatomy rules!!!!!!!!!!! Bye!!!!!about 30 minutes ago from web

openwideandsayahhh: Yay! Grey's Anatomy is on!! Awesome! about 31 minutes ago from web

drwonttakemycalls@cantbreathe: Can I have your doctor's name and number? about 3 hours ago from web

cantbreathe@openwideandsayahh: I love my doctor, he is a friggin' genius!! about 3 hours ago from web

openwideandsayah: At doctor's office right now. Sure he is mocking me. Keeps saying, "would you like me to write that down?" code for you're an idiot.GRrRRrrrr about 3 hours ago from tx

drwonttakemycalls@cantbreathe: Don't Google symps! The vortex of WebMD is written by cunning charlatan who spin a web of possibilities which will entrap your mind for days! about 5 hours ago from web

openwideandsayahh@cantbreathe: DON"T GOOGLE! GOOGLE BAD/EVIL/LIAR. about 5 hours ago from tx

fatalthinker@cantbreathe: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO don't google. about 5 hours ago from web

cantbreathe@doctorwonttakemycalls: now that you mention it--YES!!!! Maybe I should google my symptoms...about 5 hours ago from the web

drwonttakemycalls@cantbreathe: do your kneecaps feel too wiggly? what about skin? Too pinkish? about 5 hours ago from the web

openwideandsayahh: Might go to emergency room--eyelashes keep sticking together!!! about 5 hours ago from the web

fatalthinker@cantbreathe: totally had that last month. Feel like it's coming back now that you mention. about 6 hours ago from the web

cantbreathe: I think I am coming down with something really bad this time/tounge tingling/fingernails weak/blinking very slowly! about 6 hours ago from the web

Late but still worth posting...

My friend Marie and her husband have an accounting practice and they always disappear for a couple of months in the spring...I was thinking of her on Tuesday (Tax day) and sent her this email:

Hello Marie,

I have some deeply personal things I want to talk to you about this morning. I will call you on your cell, please set aside an enormous amount of time, say 2 hours or so. I really want to get into it.

Oh, could you be someplace quite and private, like in your car or the stationery closet at work? I don't want nosey Mike to listen in. If he wants I will call him later this afternoon, just to chat so he doesn't feel left out.

So I have your cell # so please be waiting for my call!

Love, your mean and not-so- funny friend,
Suz

ps totally joking. I'd be surprised if you even open this today! I AM still going to call Mike today to chat though...

Aren't I mean? Here's her reply...

Hi Suz,

OK you funny girl - You almost made my heart stop, then I thought "how am I going to squeeze time into talking to her" then I kept reading and realized that you got me. I will make sure Mike sets some time aside to chat with you, he would love that. Thanks for thinking of me today! Have a great day

Hugs,
Ree

...Teasing accountants on tax day is one of my favorite pastimes.

To cut a long story short I've lost my mind

I've decided to do something I will instantly regret as soon as post this; I'm going to title each post for the next month with either the name of a song or lyrics. Well, maybe not exactly the name, but some variation.
There is absolutely no point in doing this, just thought I would make things interesting. Morrissey alone can probably supply an entire year's worth.
You can guess who they belong to (Keli, this one is all yours!) or you can make better suggestions. For instance this one could have also been called, "Mystery Achievement."

"To cut a long story short" by Spandau Ballet

The Most Important News Ever!!!

I've decided to stop using the exclamation point to express authentic excitement. Not out of a lack of zealous or glee, but because I believe its effectiveness and popularity peaked in the 70's with the School House Rock Song "Interjection."

Now, with the online thesaurus (putting more useful language at our fingertips) and cute little animated icons, we should find a different use for it. So, from now on, if you see an exclamation point in something I have written, know that I mean it sarcastically.

Thank You Note to My Parents

Not to be outdone...

My husband put up these two pictures of Duran Duran on our fridge and told all of our Holiday visitors that I put them up because I am still hopelessly in love with John Taylor. "She never stops talking about him," he told everyone. It is a sorry testiment of me that my friends all believed him.

(Poor Nick Rhodes, he hasn't aged well and eyeliner on a 40-something-year-old, yikes!)

Not to be outdone by my beloved. I have posted this on the fridge.

Note found on the bathroom door

Oh, The Laundry Gods Must Be Mad At Me...

I think I may have irrevocably angered the Laundry Gods throughout my childhood and single life, to the point now, they are really seeking their revenge.

I thought if I confess my former laundry sins, maybe they can be forgiven and I can FINALLY get caught up:

-As a young girl I would throw perfectly clean, folded clothes back into the laundry hamper to avoid having to hang them up.

-I would toss my dirty Kentucky Fried Chicken polyester uniform into the family's communal hamper, even though this was forbidden because the stale grease smell would get forever embedded in my brother's "Angel Flights" (a brand of pants from the late 70's)

-As a teenager I would obsessively wash my new 501s over and over again until they were just the right shade of blue, blatantly abusing the washing machine as my own personal fashion tool.

-1985, self-made Acid Wash Jeans, deeply sorry.

-As a college student I did a lot of "selfish loads," consisting of just my jeans and towels, even though my roommates' stuff was "right there." (Sorry Randall and Devon.)

-As a young mother I NEVER got to the dryer before the cycle stopped, setting the clothes with deep, unironable wrinkles. So I would repeatedly re-run the dryer cycle in the hopes that the clothes would tumble-out all of their wrinkles (and also giving me time to take a nap instead of folding onesies.)

-Once, about a year ago, I braggadociously said, "I am totally caught up with the laundry." (The Laundry Gods HATE pride in any form, especially from a housewife. It is the worst form of blasphemy.)

I am truly sorry for my past infractions and some day, I hope to at least see the bottom of my family's hamper (I know it is down there somewhere). I realize it would be a fleeting victory, but for a brief moment, I would feel triumphant.

Note Found In The Fridge

Kaya, The Fancy Dog

We just finished dog-sitting Aaron's dog Kaya. Aaron went on a 10 day tromp through Prague, Austria and Germany, only to return to find what I had done to his (what I believe is) lack-of-female-influence dog. Poor girl needed to get dolled up a little.

(notice the mani-pedi)

Pretty sure he won't ever let us watch her again......

Teasing Meghan

When it comes to getting "things done" I am arguable the least motivated person you have ever met. By "things done," I mean "things" I don't want to do. For instance, if I have to fold the whites (which I totally hate to do) I have to trick myself into doing it by saying, "just fold Larry's white t-shirts and then go check your email." Then I fold the t-shirts and maybe a sock or two, then the washcloths and before I know it, I have duped myself into folding all the whites. I am not sure if this makes me look incredibly clever (for tricking myself) or a total idiot (for tricking myself.)

Taking this into account, it makes it even more of a mystery why I would spend an enormous amount of time making Meghan a CD, just to tease her.

She asked if I would make another one for her with some soothing songs (Patty Griffin, Jack Johnson, etc.). She hardly ever asks for anything. Do I grant my precious sister-in-law her one wish? No, I made her this CD with song title that poke fun at her fragile state--being with child.

These are the songs titles on the CD:

Songs for the newly pregnant: Teasing Mehgan

Morning Song--Jewel
You’re The One For Me, Fatty-- The Smiths
Killer Queen-- Queen
Accidents Will Happen--Elvis Costello
Push--Matchbox Twenty
Eat to the Beat--Blondie
Shame on You--Indigo Girls
Pay For It--Lloyd Cole
Hot! Hot! Hot!--The Cure
It’s Only Natural--Crowded House
Breathless--X
Help Me--Joni Mitchell
Biggest Part of Me--Ambrosia
Oldest Story in the World--The Plimsouls
Kid--The Pretenders
It’s All Coming Back to Me Now-- Celine Dion

(I made this CD sleeve from supplies I bought at The ARTbar)

To be fair, to me, I did get her this really cute shirt from Mollyanna.

(In her signature colors, no less)

Love you Meggie!

"When You Care Enough To Hit Send"

Recently, a friend of mine (Hi Erik!) sent me a very snide, rude and basically insulting e-card from Someecards.com. Naturally, I loved it and proceeded to serially send them to all of my friends.

Here are some of the cards I sent:

To Ericka:

To Jill:

To Vicki:

(She didn't find it amusing)

BTW- there are some pretty racing cards (in subject matter) on this site , so you might want to look at it after young heads are firmly on pillows.

Diet Coke Lovers of the World Unite

This is arguably the stupidest thing I have ever spent time writing about, arguably.

People can get really demented about their loyalty to a particular soft drink. This is completely understandable in my opinion. I am a Diet Coke lover. Yes, lover and I have made an extremely important decision: this is the only way to drink Diet Coke.

It is simple, graceful and I think, very continental.

No more humongous, water tower-sized, 32 ouncers dripping all over my desk. This is the new standard.

In a pinch, I will get a fountain drink from Target or the drive-thru, but I am going to try to avoid it at all costs. They are now deemed "tacky" in my eyes, along the lines of wearing Crocs to dinner. (Please stop doing that.)

Here is one of my favorite comedians, Gary Gulman, and his thoughts on my beloved (Diet) Coke. He addresses the whole cola war issue with his usual tomfoolery.

Please click here to be linked to video of Gary.