"It's hard to get by, just upon a smile." Cat Stevens, Wild World
"There are somethings you can't cover up with lipstick and powder," Girls Talk, David Edmunds
"You can't hide your lyin eyes," The Eagles
"Time can never mend, the careless whisper of a good friend," Careless Whisper, Wham!
"Suzanne the plans they made put an end to you." James Taylor, Fire and Rain
Today on The Mom Blog at ocregister.com, I write about the mystery that is my husband maleness...
For some this is a review, but I have added some new affronts.
Alleged Affront: Using a staw.
His explanation: You never saw John Wayne use a straw, did you?
Alleged Affront: Walking a dog who is wearing a sweater.
His explanation: Is self-explanatory.
Alleged Affront: Checking Luggage.
His Explanation: Baggage Claim is for amateurs.
Alleged Affront: Shampoo and then condition.
His explanation: Why do in two steps what you can do it one.
Alleged Affront: Suggesting 4-year-old son dress as "Robin" for Halloween.
His explaination: There will be no sidekicks in his family.
Alleged Affront: Being issued a Disney credit card with Bambi on it.
His explanation: Mickey is the only acceptable character.
Alleged Affront: Taking a pain killer when in pain.
His explanation: No time. (huh?)
Alleged Affront: Attempting to talk about hilarity of old boyfriend's letter found in box in closet whilst he is watching UFC Championships.
His explanation: Too many affronts to explain.
Things I would think would be an affront to his masculinity, which apparently are not:
Watching Jane Austen's "Emma" staring Gwyneth Paltrow (suspect it has something to do with Gwyneth's beautiful neck).
Working at McDonald's
Disappointing his parents
Phone messages I suggest you NEVER leave your husband while he's at work
1) "Honey, did you take the kids with you to work this morning? Oh, never mind, here they are."
2) "Me again, I know you said "no" to that Coach purse, but the gal at the purse counter at Nordstrom wants to talk to you about it. I'll leave my phone with her. Give her a jingle when you can. I also gave her your cell number. Hope it's okay. Her name is Jen. She is like, such a sweetheart."
3) "Hey babe, my husband is going to San Francisco tomorrow and...wait...what number did I call?"...click
4) "I just got off the phone with your sister and I want to have a VERY long, detailed conversation about her. One where I can do an amateur psychoanalysis of her and make you defensive to the point where you tell me my brother is no "treat" himself and we end up hanging up on each other."
5) "Take me off speaker. I want to tell you something horrible I heard about your stinkn', liar of a boss."
6) (bonus round) "Hi, it's me. **stammer**You know your 1967 Mustang that you loved...I mean love...**deep sigh**...loved? Call me back when you aren't with people who are offended by cursing."
Illustration by Maziejane on Etsy: Telephone on Teaberry Tile.
I can tell how many people come to my site in a day and if they have done a Google search, what they typed in to bring them to my blog. Google pulls in common words that appears in both the search and a website.
Here are some of the strangest Google seaches so far:
1) "Amateur shoppers"
2) "Good things about turning 40 include 80's music and big hair"
3) "Snail Jokes" (by far the one that brings the most people to my site: see mine here. )
4) "Wayne Thiebaud's wives"
5) "World's fastest parallel parker"
6) "Meaning of dream forgotten clothes in dryer"
7) "Days of an outside girl that loves animals, even chickens"
Number 7 is, for obvious reasons, my favorite. I am truly proud that someone typed in that and it brought them to me.
Number 6, as far as I can tell, this Google-searcher never got the answer. So, I will make this one up for her: "You're afraid you really stink at being a housewife and are terrified the gals from MOPs are going to find out."
Number 5 I think would be an excellent name of a band or novel. (Or even as an epitaph!)
Just to be fair, the most bizarre Google search I have ever attempted is: "How many calories does a panic attack burn?" Sadly, there were no results (but, my guess is about 200). But, since I have now posed the quesiton here, if anyone ever does ask Google this question, it will bring them to my site. (Yippee!) I will of course, let you know if this happens.
Alleged Affront: Using a staw.
His explanation: You never saw John Wayne use a straw, did you?
Alleged Affront: Walking a dog who is wearing a sweater.
His explanation: Is self-explanatory.
Alleged Affront: Checking Luggage.
His Explanation: Baggage Claim is for amateurs.
Alleged Affront: Shampoo and then condition.
His explanation: Why do in two steps what you can do it one.
Alleged Affront: Suggesting 3-year-old son dress as "Robin" for Halloween.
His explaination: There will be no sidekicks in his family.
Alleged Affront: Being issued a Disney credit card with Bambi on it.
His explanation: Mickey! Isn't Mickey enough?
Alleged Affront: Taking an pain killer when in pain.
His explanation: I don't have time.
Alleged Affront: Attempting to talk about hilarity of old boyfriend's letter found in box in garage whilst he is watching UFC Championships.
His explanation: Too many affronts to explain.
Things I would think would be an affront to his masculinity, which apparently are not:
Watching Jane Austen's "Emma" staring Gwyneth Paltrow (suspect it has something to do with Gwyneth's beautiful neck).
Stop referring to myself as "mommy."
Stop being co-dependant with my three-year-old accident-prone dog by hiding her "mistakes" from my husband.
Stop searching for reasons to go to Target.
Stop getting food from the drive-through and calling it having a "picnic in the car."
Stop checking my blog stats counter.
Stop looking for my old friend, Louise Madison, on-line. Face it, she was cute and perky, she most likely got married and changed her last name.
Stop saying, "I'll be right there," when I know perfectly well I won't be right there.
Stop spending hours watching 80's videos on YouTube.
Stop wishing there really was a place called "Lazytown" and longing to go there (especially if Sportacus is there).
Stop regreting ever wearing overalls-pregnant or not.
Stop defending Bob Dylan's talent; either you love him or you don't.
Stop writing long stupid lists.
..inspired by my recent trip to Santa Monica
1) She whips-out her Handi Wipes and Purell at least three-times an hour.
2) When a salesperson or waitress finds out she is from Orange County and asked if she is like the "Real Housewives of Orange County," she responds, "Only when I get poor service."
3) Keeps referring to the street performers and artists as "Those poor souls."
4) Brighton roller luggage, Juicy sweat suit, "upgraded" wedding ring, blended Mocha, slight look of worry mixed with excitement.
5) Has full-fledged panic attack when faced with the reality she has to parallel park her Escalade.
Five Snail Jokes
(these are from my private reserve. Must be told in this order)
1) A farmer hears a knock at his door late one winter's night. He opens his door, looks around and looks down and there, at his doorstep, is a snail. The snail says, "Can I come in, I'm really coooooold?" The Farmer says, "No, get outta here you stupid snail," and kicks him across the garden. Spring comes, then summer then fall and before you know it, it's winter again. The farmer hears a knock on his door. He opens the door, looks around and looks down and there on his doorstep is that snail, who says, "What did you do that for?"
2.) A snail walks into a bank to make a deposit. Then a turtle comes in and robs the bank. Afterward, the police are interviewing the snail and asks him to recount what had happened. The snail says, "I don't know, it all happened so fast."
3.) A snail goes to a used car lot to buy a car. The sales person asks, "What are you looking for in a car?" The snail says, "I want a really fast car with big side doors so I can write a huge "S" on each door." The salesman says, "That's a weird request, why?" The snail says, "Because when I drive through town I want people to say, "Look at that S-Car-Go."
4) What does a snail say when he's riding on a turtle's back? .... Weeeeeeee
This is my six-year old daughter's joke she made up today
5.) I take my new friend snail home with me and I get to the front of my house and he say, "That is a big house. I wouldn't want to carry that on my back."
Tugboat Printshop, Snail, Woodcut Print
List for girls who Grew up in the 70's
I would like to add to this list:
-You and your cousin (or sister) did "shows" for your family. These were dance routines to "Billy Don't Be A Hero" or "Silly Love Songs." You remember..."I (point with both thumbs at your chest) Love (wrists crossed against chest) You (arm out-stretched, finger pointing at bored, squirming family)."
-"The Shining" was the first scary movie you ever saw (and my last).
-You used to be "Ditto Monitor" at school.
-You would NEVER eat "Pop Rock" and drink Coke at the same time for fear your head would explode.
- You had a satin jacket with matching satin shorts and hat.
-Your Mom; colored her hair in the sink, bought her dishes at the grocery store and watched Lawrence Welk every week.
-You blew your entire back-to-school clothing allowance on one pair of Chemin De Fer Jeans.
You had a pair of these Roller Skates.
With the pom poms...
and you got back together with your seventh-grade boyfriend when it was girls-ask-boys to skate, and they played "Reunited" by Peaches & Herb.
You had a cool older brother. My brother Rob had a 1972 pea-green Plymouth Duster. This is the only picture I have of him with it. Those 110 cameras took THE worst pictures.
I guarantee that is a Sex Wax T-shirt tied around his waist and this is the eight track that was in his player.
(ELO, Telephone Line. Still a great song. It is also my default ringtone on my iPhone "Hello. How Are You? Have you been alright...")
You remember these commercials: The Tootsie Pop Owl and this Coke one used to mesmerize young me.
You score 100% on this 1970's TV Quiz.
You idolized Mary. Linking to myself, again, You're Going To Make It After All.
These songs made you cry everytime you heard them.
Terry Jacks "Seasons In The Sun (young man dies)", Henry Gross' "Shannon (dog dies)", Eric Carmen's "All By Myself, (whole family dies)", Michael Murphy's "Wildfire (horse dies then girlfriend dies)", Don McLean’s "Vincent (artist dies)"
And you LOVED Ponch from CHiPs, (thanks for the tip Joey) and this is your favorite scene:
(Poncharello competes in a "battle of the bands". He loses, but gives his thumbs up at the end anyway, very classy.)
If any of these are true of you, please consult Retro Junk, Plaid Stallion, and Pink Floyd's Fan Club Page.
Five uses for those annoying magazine inserts that, no matter how thoroughly you think you have removed them, always seem to fall into your bath while reading.
-Use as coasters for guests you have absolutely no interest in impressing
-Picking up dead flies in the window sill
-Gather up hundreds (not hard to do) and send them to the Editor of your favorite magazine in protest, hoping they will send you free product as a good will gesture
(will not work if your favorite magazine is Foreign Affairs or the like. Sorry Larry)
-To write tardy notes on when your daughter is late for school
-Wet, pound into mush, mold into a pot shape, decoupage and plant your favorite perennial inside
(Martha Steward Living inserts only)
1) Your children, who are now fully-grown, cut you off in the parking lot with their Escalades they bought with their inheritance.
2) You unknowingly complement your husband's new wife on her shoes.
3) Reading your eulogy, your loved ones keep referring to you crossly as their "late, very late", beloved.
4) The pew you are sitting in is dedicated "in memory of" you.
5) When you go to sign your guest book, your fingers shatter into a million pieces.
Happy Halloween!
1) I really like those combat boots with that dress.
2) What's the band called? The Meat Puppets? Sure, here are the car keys.
3) School, schmool. Let's go see a Molly Ringwald movie.
4) You have exceptional taste in boyfriends. Any one of them will make you blissfully happy for the rest of your life.
5) They were out of Benson and Hedges, Camels okay?
Ways I wish 70's TV shows were different
1) I wish, just once, the cone of silence would have worked.
2) I wish Mary Tyler Moore didn't wear so much concealer.
3) I wish Mrs. Kravitz would have stopped being such a butinsky and paid more attention to her dying marriage.
4) I wish "Half Pint" would have pulled Nellie's stupid braids out of her stuck-up head.
5) I wish Donny were a little bit sarcastic and Marie were a little Goth.
6) I wish the Flying Nun would have used her special skill to do some good in the world, like work for the Coast Guard or something.
7) I wish Laverne wouldn't have put her glove on that beer bottle. It always worried me that it would get stuck in the equipment and hurt someone.
8) I wish Richard Dawson wouldn't have found family dysfunction so amusing.
9) I wish Berretta's bird's name was Magnum, instead of Fred, and he had a dog named Revolver, I think that would have been clever.
10) I wish the Hardy Boys didn't have such a sexually suggestive last name which prompted endless teasing from my brothers.
Five ways to anger, annoy or prompt eye-roll from a Green Beret:
1) Keep referring to his uniform as his outfit.
2) Upon learning he is a Green Beret challenge him to a feat of strength.
3) At dinner, randomly pick up objects at the table and say thing like, "Could you kill me with this salt shaker?" "What about this straw?" etc.
4) Carry only a Tinker Bell Fuzzy pen in your purse, then, one day, he will absolutely need to use a pen and that is his only option. Softly giggle as he writes. (Add extra irritation if the pen lights-up when used.)
5) Make him watch G.I Jane.
(Offending Tinker Bell Pen)
**I don't recommend doing any of these things to a Green Beret unless you are married to him or you are a cute girl, I am both.**
1. Pregnancy portraits. Half naked pregnant women, cradling their exposed round tummy whilst looking down adoringly. Double the creep factor if the husband is in the portrait too. Triple the factor is they display it in their home for any innocent visitor to happen upon.
2. New Age Music
3. Red Velvet. This stems from an incident at my grandma's house when I was little. As I remember it, her house was all dusty red velvet, milk glass (in and of itself okay by me) and contact paper. (more on Grandma J in another post)
4. Chalk. I can't even touch it. Just thinking about it now makes my palms sweat.
5. Old Victorian shoes. This is the kind of creepy thing you would never know about unless you and two of your friends get a Eurorail pass for the summer and visit a very old castle in France. As we walked through the castle the dust particles were illuminated by the summer light coming in through the fringed heavy curtains. It was very hot. We approached a little plexiglass box with small white satin shoes displayed on red velvet (see #3) inside. The tour person was explaining that the women wore their shoes very small back in the day. He proceeded to tell us about their undergarments, wigs and makeup. I started to get a little woozy, then the make up talk started. I pictured this unfortunate girl all bound up, with thick, very thick, smelly white powder caked on her unexfoliated face. Then another look at those cursed shoes and that was it. I fainted. I guess that what is was.... lights go out, knees get weak. My friends took me out to a small bench outside the castle. They went in to finish the tour, the brave souls. And, as I sat there a young French man came and sat next to me. He too was pale and panting. He looked at me knowingly and said, (I swear this story is true) "was it ze shoes?"
