I'm eight years into this parenting thing, which is far enough along to develop a few"tricks" to help me get through the squimishes and mind-numbing monotony that come with your mommy badge.
I think every mom has these little tools. They are like little idiosyncratic things I do to keep myself from boarding the crazy train everyday around 5 pm. They are inside jokes, really inside, like just to myself.
Because I'm an eighties music connoisseur, or "geek" as some people might see it, mine revolves around lyrics from all the songs I listened to long before I knew what a Diaper Genie was, could recite the book "Red Fish Blue Fish" by heart or catch a stray spitwad midair before it hits an innocent bystander. You know, pre-kid.
Five ways to use '80s music lyrics to annoy your kids and entertain yourself
1.) "Look at that! YOUR KISS IS ON MY LIST!"
"Kiss on My List" by Hall & Oats: You must say this to your kid every time you have a list in your hand to produce the gratifying eye-roll or treasured "MOM!"
2.) "Listen Mister, YOU'RE LIVING IN YOUR OWN PRIVATE IDAHO if you think you're getting a special treat now!"
Private Idaho by The B-52s: Nothing like a little B-52's to cheer your day and really get under your kids' skin.
3.) "FRANKLY MR. SHANKLY, I don't care what your friends are doing, you're not going."
Frankly Mr. Shankly by The Smiths: Actually, Morrissey provides a plethora of quotable irritating lines. Signing the lyrics of "HEAVEN KNOWS I'M MISERABLE NOW," while following your pouting kid around the house is an advanced move, but it works wonders.
4.) This is best used in a team effort with other adult.
"Ben, didn't want to say 'hi' to his teacher. He was TOO SHY SHY."
Other adult, "Hush Hush."
In unison "EYE TO EYE. TOO SHY SHY. HUSH HUSH. EYE TO EYE..."
Too Shy by Kajagoogoo: Keep signing until they beg you to stop. Both our kids are very outgoing and friendly now.
5.) "YOU CAN CRY IF YOU WANT TO," or "YOU CAN ARGUE IF YOU WANT TO," this one can be tailored to anything your kid is doing that is bothering you. I like to make up my own words for the whole verse, like this,
"YOU CAN WHINE IF YOU WANT TO, YOU CAN KISS YOUR PRIVILEGES GOODBYE, BECAUSE YOUR FRIENDS DON'T WHINE, AND IF THEY DON'T WHINE THEN THEY GET ALL THEIR DS TIME."
Men Without Hats Safety Dance: Accompanied by the hand movements, this is wickedly annoying to kids.
Other Friday Fives:
(I couldn't get these videos to center on the post. Argh!)