Alive in Wonderland

Dear Baby Einstein: Keep the cash!

“Hi, I’m Julie Clark, founder of Baby Einstein…” 

More women have gotten naked to the sound of Julie’s voice than to the sound of Barry White, Marvin Gaye and Steve Perry’s voice combined. Why? That is how every Baby Einstein video begins and it is the cue for a lot of moms that it is now time to take a shower and I would pop in Baby Mozart or Baby Beethoven just to get a break from my little bundle of joy and get squeaky clean, not because I really believed my kid would grow up to be genius. 

Last week Disney, who bought the Baby Einstein brand from Julie Clark in 2001, is offering a refund to consumers of the video series because—surprise—it won’t make your baby smarter. The FTC says this in their statement, “There’s no credible evidence that screen media can educate infants.” 

Yeah, we kinda knew that already FTC, but have you ever gone four weeks without shaving your legs or eight hours without talking to another adult? I thought not…I liked Baby Einstein and used it strictly for the thrill of being clean. It was a benefit to me to not look like a swamp monster when my husband came home from work. That was the value. Give us moms a little credit here FTC, “educating infants” wasn’t the goal here, Sillies.  

I suppose the alternative to Baby Einstein would have been letting my baby stare out the window for 20 minutes or play with my hair dryer and bobby pins until I was done freshening up, but, to be honest, I kinda liked those little puppets and the music of Baby Einstein served as the soundtrack to my little respite from momminess. 

It’s not like I plopped my baby in front of the tube for hours on end (well, there was that one day…) and thought I was doing her a solid by giving her a jump start on her education: Moving her well ahead of her diaper-clad friends. I always knew it was just a distraction, a little amusement for her while mommy "got ready."

Compared to the other “screen media” like Barney and The Wiggles, Baby Einstein was bearable to watch and the music was…well, classical. The only thing that annoyed me about the video series was the fact that I didn’t think of it myself, market it, and sell it to Disney for millions. 

So, you might have clued in, I won’t be cashing in on Disney’s offer to refund my money. In fact, I want to give a BIG shout out to Disney and especially Julie Clark for keeping me clean and (occasionally) coifed during the baby years—Thanks! Oh, and Julie, if you ever put out your own CD, please do a duet with Steve Perry, women around the nation will go wild for it! 

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This was written for my blog at OC Family. Head on over there to see what you're missing.

Best Shot Monday: Kicking it in pink kicks on Sunday afternoon

On Best Shot Monday over at Tracey's blog, she asked us to share a photo from our weekend. This shot is of my daughter kicking it in her pink Converse on the field at Angels Stadium during the Orange County Down Syndrome Association's Buddy Walk. This is well after the walking portion of the day, as we waited for The English Beat (watch video of them performing Twist and Crawl here) to take the stage.

Check out my full story of The Buddy Walk over at OC Family.

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Funny side story about these pink Converse: Ben begs me to throw them away because he once had a  bad dream about them. In the dream, they came running down the hallway all by themselves and tried to "make" him eat an orange (which he maintains is the worst fruit ever). He didn't even want me to post this picture because it gives him the creeps. I think they're cute.

Friday Five: Five random bits of love

 

1. I'm always joking that I could pop a tent in Anthropologie and live there, well, it looks like Anthro feels the same way about me.  As I was walking through the other day, looking for a new ensem for this event, I saw this message in  one of their displays.  ( I swear, this was untouched by me.) 

Aww, gee! I LOVE you too Anthropologie! 

2.  I LOVE that my mom thought of me when she saw this photo in a magazine and thinks it's "Soooo you!"

3. My daughter jumped on my open Twitter page and left me this Tweet.  

4. LOVing this new website. 

5.  It was our 12th wedding anniversary on Sunday.  It's funny at twelve years it's all the little things that remind me of how much I LOVE that guy.  Like this:  

Almost everyday you will find this somewhere in the house, because every night Larry piles an enormous glob of peanut butter on that spoon and fills that glass to the top with milk and enjoys his signature special treat.  

It makes me smile every time I see it.  

Have a LOVEly weekend! 

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You can listen to some of my favorite guys sing love songs to me on my Blip.fm station. Like Neil Finn, Jim Kerr, Ben Harper, Jack Johnson and Elvis Costello, just to name a few. 

I'm up and writing at OC Family

 

I've got my first couple of posts up and running at OC Family. My column is also out in the print issue. If you can't get your hands on an OC Family Magazine, here it is: "You're Soooo Orange County."

You can click over and read my "Post Halloween Ritual" on my blog there as well. If you're still grousing about a bad deal you got from a Nov 1st candy trade with an older sibling years ago, you'll be happy to know, you're not the only one.  Go read...

 

Friday Five: Five ways to know you are (really) late for your own funeral

For Halloween a very creepy Friday Five.

How to know you are really late for your own funeral.

1) Your children, who are now fully grown, cut you off in the parking lot with the Escalades they bought with their inheritance money. 

2) You unknowingly compliment your husband's new wife on her shoes. 

3) Reading your eulogy, your brother keeps referring to you crossly as his "late, VERY, VERY late, beloved Sister." 

4) The pew you are sitting in is dedicated "in memory of" you. 

5) When you go to sign your guest book, your fingers shatter into a million pieces.

Inspired by Beetlejuice when I wrote this :)

Happy Halloween!

Halloween Dance Party!

Here is a silly little video Emily and and I made in our kitchen.  

(Music by Oingo Boingo, "Deadman's Party.")

Candy Corn: Oh, The Horror Of It!

 

The scariest part of Halloween for me is not the ghouls, or the weird costumes some parents choose for their babies, or even the thought that only one holiday separates us from Christmas, the scariest part is the constant appearance of the most foul and repulsive candy ever made: candy corn. Just writing the word makes me feel a little nauseated. 

I don't remember exactly when I started to despise these little atrocities, but they loom around the top three of my least favorite things to eat: peas, tuna melts, and candy corn. That's about the order of things. 

 I even devote a good portion of this Disney video about Mickey's Trick-or-Treat Halloween Party (which, in case you've never been,  is awesome) to the deceptively cheerful goodies. 

 (Remember this video starts off loud!) 

 

When my kids were little we used to watch Noggin (RIP) a lot--like, a lot, a lot--and Moose A. Moose had the same distain for candy corn as me. So, every year I sing this song "I don't like candy corn" as I walk through the candy aisles of Target, or pass a random candy bowl filled with candy corn by its misguided owner.  My kids join in now.  They like candy corn, but this has to be one of the most catchy songs ever--like Jingle Bells, but for Halloween. 

(Guaranteed to get stuck in your head.) 

I'm sorry if you love candy corn (Chris). You can leave your case for it in comments, but you'd have more luck talking me into dressing up like Beth from Dog The Bounty Hunter then to EVER get me to eat candy corn.  

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On another Halloween note, we're  headed to The Costume Castle today to find a costume for Ben, who wants to be "anything dead or mean."  You might remember this story about The Costume Castle from last year:

Okay kids!  Time to Break Out the French Maid Costumes!

Come walk in support The Down Syndrome Association of Orange County

One of my favorite things about  Facebook is reconnecting with people that I knew and liked, say 20 years ago, but had lost touch with.  Scott is a perfect example of a good Facebook re-Friending experience.  He and I worked at Kentucky Fried Chicken together and, for a brief time, we were friends.  (Read about our KFC days here. Warning: includes gross biscuit / bandaid story.)

Mostly what I remember about Scott was him instigating some pretty wicked chicken skin food fights at closing time, his fun spirit, and all of us hanging out at Bob's Big Boy after work. Here is Scott at Bob's in Huntington Beach--oh, about two decades ago.

**sigh Bob's Big Boy**

 

Once Scott and I reconnected, we instantly hit-it-off Facebook style: spastically giving each other the thumbs up and commenting on each other's obscure '80s references and status updates laden with sarcasm and cheer.  

Scott  has a daughter, named Sadie, who was born with Down Syndrome.  I've never met her before, or any of Scott's family for that matter, but can't help but LOVE this little girl.  Just look at her...

 

My family and I are walking with Scott's family on Nov. 8th at Angeles Stadium for the Down Syndrome Association of Orange County's Buddy Walk.  After the actual walk portion of the event, we get to hang out on the field and in the dugouts, eat hot dogs AND, guess who is the musical guest?....you're never going to guess...go ahead, try...give up?  The English Beat will be performing on the field! The English Beat!

How fitting.

 

If you want to join Sadie's team and walk with us, please head over to the Team Page for the details and sign up. We promise not to start a food fight. (Right Scott?).  Or, if you just want to sponsor me you can do that by going to my MY WEBPAGE  on the DSA/OC' web site. 

God Bless Facebook and all its wonderful powers. 

Friday Five: Five ways to use '80s music lyrics to annoy your kids and entertain yourself

I'm eight years into this parenting thing, which is far enough along to develop a few"tricks" to help me get through the squimishes and mind-numbing monotony that come with your mommy badge.  

I think every mom has these little tools. They are like little idiosyncratic things I do to keep myself from boarding the crazy train everyday around 5 pm.  They are inside jokes, really inside, like just to myself.  

Because I'm an eighties music connoisseur, or "geek" as some people might see it, mine revolves around lyrics from all the songs I listened to long before I knew what a Diaper Genie was, could recite the book "Red Fish Blue Fish" by heart or catch a stray spitwad midair before it hits an innocent bystander. You know, pre-kid.  

Five ways to use '80s music lyrics to annoy your kids and entertain yourself

1.) "Look at that! YOUR KISS IS ON MY LIST!" 

"Kiss on My List" by Hall & Oats: You must say this to your kid every time you have a list in your hand to produce the gratifying eye-roll or treasured "MOM!" 

 

2.) "Listen Mister, YOU'RE LIVING IN YOUR OWN PRIVATE IDAHO if you think you're getting a special treat now!"  

Private Idaho by The B-52s: Nothing like a little B-52's to cheer your day and really get under your kids' skin. 

3.) "FRANKLY MR. SHANKLY, I don't care what your friends are doing, you're not going." 

Frankly Mr. Shankly by The Smiths: Actually, Morrissey provides a plethora of quotable irritating lines.  Signing the lyrics of "HEAVEN KNOWS I'M MISERABLE NOW," while following your pouting kid around the house is an advanced move, but it works wonders.

 

4.) This is best used in a team effort with your spouse.

"Ben, didn't want to say 'hi' to his teacher. He was TOO SHY SHY."  

Husband, "Hush Hush."  

In unison "EYE TO EYE. TOO SHY SHY. HUSH HUSH. EYE TO EYE..."

 Too Shy by Kajagoogoo: Keep signing until they beg you to stop. Both our kids are very outgoing and friendly now.

   

5.) "YOU CAN CRY IF YOU WANT TO," or "YOU CAN ARGUE IF YOU WANT TO," this one can be tailored to anything your kid is doing that is bothering you.  I like to make up my own words for the whole verse, like this, 

"YOU CAN WHINE IF YOU WANT TO, YOU CAN KISS YOUR PRIVILEGES GOODBYE, BECAUSE YOUR FRIENDS DON'T WHINE, AND IF THEY DON'T WHINE THEN THEY GET ALL THEIR DS TIME."  

Men Without Hats Safety Dance: Accompanied by the hand movements, this is wickedly annoying to kids. 

Other Friday Fives: 

Five personal advantages to the financial crisis.

Five things I did last night to avoid working.

(I couldn't get these videos to center on the post.  Argh!)

Hello OC Family

(Photos by the lovely Dana Sipper)

So, what am I going to do now?  

I've accepted a position at Churm Media as  lead blogger for OC Family.  That means four times a week you can find me there talking about mom stuff, non-mom stuff, and of course, the occasional post about roller skating, Lip Smackers, and Ducks hockey.   Irresistible, no? 

The very idea of representing O.C. Moms at OC Family made me swoon, but the best part about the job was choosing 14 other O.C. Mom Bloggers to join me there on the web site.  The thought of all of us there ranting, opinionizing (it's not a word, don't bother looking it up), and giving our suggestions for the best things to do in O.C. makes my toes tingle (but that might just be the mini-margarita kicking in). 

Go ahead and bookmark ocfamily.com now, I'll wait.............or become a friend on Facebook....... and look for all of us to go live there on Nov. 1st.  Also, keep an eye out for my column, Alive in Wonderland, in the November issue.   I just turned it in today and if you think I didn't mention OC Family's Mom Bloggers' ambitions of World Domination, you're sadly mistaken.  Don't we look fierce? 

Photos by the lovely Dana Sipper. 

Friday Five: Five surprising reasons to watch Real Housewives of Orange County

 

You might think that The Real Housewives of Orange County is a frivolous show, a time-waster, just another reason to move to Portland, but there are some perfectly solid reason to tune-in to those housewives on Bravo, Nov. 5th.   In past episodes they have proven to be helpful, insightful, and entertaining, but possibly not in the way they intended.  

Here are some surprising reason to watch The Real Housewives of O.C.  

1. For Parenting Advice:  Here's how you can gain parenting guidance from the gals on RHOO--do exactly the opposite of what they do. If they have a suggestion on parenting take it, but just flip in around. You'll be golden.  

2. For An Ego Boost: There is nothing that makes me feel like a better mom (or person) than a dose of RHOO. The phrase "I'm not THAT bad" runs repeated through my head while watching, like some kind of self-affirmation conveyer belt. They're like the Tony Robbins of Bravo. 

3. For The Suspense: Heels, alcohol, and poor judgement make it a better suspense show than CSI--someone, at some point is going down: Literally or figuratively. 

4. Etiquette, style and decorum lessons:  Jo from Season 1 says to her friend while getting ready to go out: Yeah, don't show your butt, it will be classier like that.  Or when Vicki says this about tattoos in during Season 4: It's inappropriate to put that stuff (but she didn't say stuff) on your body. Because no one rocks the natural, no-alterations needed-look like Vicki.

5. Finding new ways of looking at the world: Lauri says in an interview on the show in Season 3: My life has turned around 360 degrees. Referring to how she used to be flat broke and single and now married and loaded, you might think she meant 180 degrees, as in it's totally different than before. But no, she means life is a circle.  It's the circle of life.

You see, these gals are actually brilliant social commentators, week after week pointing out the irony and satire of modern life. Right? I mean, it's educational. 

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Read my "The (more) Real(istic) Housewives of Orange County" post.

Breaking News: Rain

For most of you "Rain" isn't news, but in Southern California rain is a screaming headline, a reason for breaking news tickers running at the bottom of the T.V. screen. "Rain" is covered with the same intensity as a natural disaster and for my dogs--George in-particular--it IS a disaster. Maybe it has rained five times in his life so far. He's still a puppy, but still you would have thought I had asked him to cuddle with a cat the way he looked at me when I asked him (very politely) to go outside and do his business in the rain.

 

First with the attitude.

 

Then once I got him out there, there was the overly dramatic and reproachful shaking. 

 

After several attempts at running for the door, came the waiting it out.  Both of us standing out in the rain to sees whose will was stronger.  Who could out stare the other. Who could stand in the rain the longest. 

"George is getting upset."

 

Finally, probably due to my years living in San Francisco, and my umbrella, I won out and he finally gave in. 

He then high-tailed-it back to the door.  

It was suggested to me on Twitter that someone should come-up with Doggie Depends just to accommodate the skittish California Dogs on raining days.   Not a bad idea, someone get on that...